she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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