I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
