My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
