Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
