My girlfriend figured out who you are.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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