He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
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I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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