And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
