I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
