Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
