Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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