Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
