What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
