her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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