In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
