Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
