he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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