i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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