Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I want a musical about memes.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
