why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
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Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
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