I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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