my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
