It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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