Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
