I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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