I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
