I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now