happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
