the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
