I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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