I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
