if i can run in heels then i can drive
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
