Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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