So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
