seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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