Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
