Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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