And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
