her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
