my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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