I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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