I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
