I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
