I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
