my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
