I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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