grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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