i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
