the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
