I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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