I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
