I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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