I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Also, beer. Big fan.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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