ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
