she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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