We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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