So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
