So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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