i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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