Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
