We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
