So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
