The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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