Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
