im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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