Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
