My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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