Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
