Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
